I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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