Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
