You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
