best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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