is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
