Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
