It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
