i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
