dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
how do you play pong handcuffed?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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