im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
