I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
