We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why do cheetos always look like penises
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
