im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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