Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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