i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
