My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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