my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
