checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
