you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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