you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
