Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
