the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
