I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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