I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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