How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
