How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I did not marry a roomba.
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