you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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