I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
