i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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