Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
