Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize