At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
