just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
