it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
