im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
