I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
