You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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