anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
