I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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