So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
