i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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