D3 body, D1 cock
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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