the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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