I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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