Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
