he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
