hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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