I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
