I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
