I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
