i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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