i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
