everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
