My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
did you just send me my own nude
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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